Next up on the blog is Peyton who also blogs over at Word Wilderness! Take a read and let us know what you think!
When I was 18 I read another woman’s personal account of how she discovered her attraction to other women later in life. She’d spent her entire life assuming she was straight, and only when she was in a committed relationship with a man did she come out as bisexual. What struck me was when she mentioned that she’d dismissed her attraction to other women as jealousy. Was that what I’d been doing? It never occurred to me that what I’d assumed to be normal teenage insecurity could be something else entirely. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
I then began to think about other feelings I had around relationships and attraction. How whenever I had a crush on a guy I was too anxious to even speak to him. How uncomfortable I felt whenever a guy showed interest in me beyond friendliness. Was I really just waiting for the right guy, or did I not want to date men at all?
As I searched for an answer for these budding questions, I began exploring queer media. I went in hoping to find an answer on my sexuality, and instead queer media completly changed how I percived my body and beauty.
You see, before exploring queer media, I’m been fed a constant stream of straight, white media catering to the “male gaze”. I knew that social media was fake and that the people we see on TV don’t really look like that, but my understanding was superficial. I had never really seen beauty from another perspective. Queer media gave me a window into a diverse array of beauty, attraction, and relationship dynamics that I’d never experienced before. It opened my eyes to the possibility of looking at other women without comparing myself to them. It showed me people with features I was insecure about being loved and seen as desirable.
In some cases, queer love stories don’t even try portray their character as attractive. In one of the first lesbian fantasy books I read, Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir, the main character actually describes her love interest as ugly. Instead of being attracted to each others’ appearances, Gideon and Harrow’s feelings for each other revolve around power dynamics and survival. Just reading a romantic plot that didn’t center the characters’ physical attraction to each other took away some of the pressure I felt about my appearance. Even thought I knew in theory that love isn’t about your physical appearance, every romance I’d read up to that point emphasized how attractive the love interest was to the main character. To combat all that social conditioning I had to do more than just remind myself that appearance isn’t everything. I had to actually consume media that presented me with an alternative message.
Even beyond beauty standards, queer media opened my eyes to relationship dynamics that weren’t confined to strict heteronormative gender roles. I didn’t need to worry about being “too dominant” for a woman or “too shy” to attract a partner. There are plenty of people who find those traits attractive and love stories about them to prove it. I don’t even need to worry about finding a partner at all! I enjoy being single and can find fullfilment outside of a nuclear family. I have options! I can choose what works for me! What an idea!
Two years after beginning my venture into queer media I find myself exploring parts of myself I never had the confidence to before. As it turns out, I like wearing feminine clothing and experimenting with makeup. I’m not embarrassed to admit (to myself at least) that I enjoy sex scenes in books and movies. Before starting this journey I’d convinced myself that these things just weren’t for me. In reality, I just had to stop comparing myself to others and throw away my believe that these things were intrinsically linked to dating and appealing to men. It’s so much easier to try on a cute skirt without the pressure of needing to look and feel attractive to the male gaze.
Now that I’ve spent two years exploring queer media and learning more about myself, I still haven’t quite figured out my sexuality. But I will forever be grateful to queer media for changing my perspective on beauty and giving me the confidence to explore my identity.
*Note: I wish I still had the link to the article about the woman who discovered her bisexual identity later in life, but I read it years ago and couldn’t find it. I do remember that the article provided a link to the Lesbian Masterdoc, which was also helpful when I first started questioning my sexuality.
